last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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