I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
