white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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