Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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