nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
