just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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