she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
