I think my vagina is haunted
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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