better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
