apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
