Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
