I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
