you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
