I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
