I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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