You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In other news, I just burned my penis
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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