I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
