I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
