Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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