there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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