I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
