what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
