The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
