where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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