haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
