is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
