More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My bed smells like the plague
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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