I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
