I hate your face
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
