So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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