I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
There r osticjed everywhere
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
