I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
