I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
