I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
