I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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