I am spending my child support on dildos
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
