90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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