What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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