Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
