you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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