I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
