is your mom at the bar?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
