in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
