The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
