I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
