I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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