They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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