Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
worst night to have a conscience
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
