OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
