My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
sarcasm needs its own font
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Randomize
