Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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